Title: Internal Itch
Spoilers: None really
Disclaimer: They will be returned to Carter and Fox
unharmed. Relatively unharmed.
Special thanks: Thanks to the Refugees at Mulder's Refuge,
the inspiration for this story!
Charlotte- Douglas Airport
"Scully I am not getting on the plane until the medicine
works.", he growled as he squirmed uncomfortably in his chair.
"Listen Mulder. I have given you everything that you could
possibly need for the itching . It's all psychological.
Now relax. Besides the Vermox will not kick in for at
least another twenty-four hours." She comforted in her
gentle voice. Actually though she was getting tired of
the constant whining. He was acting as if he were the first
person to ever have pinworms. She had given him the Vermox and
made him take some Benadryl. She was going to have to give
him some hard drugs if she was going to make through the next
six hours of flying. The flight to California was going to the
longest trip ever taken, she thought to herself as she continued
to watch her partner squirm in the chair.
Mulder stood, he wanted to try and see if walking would
help him with the constant itching. He eyed a woman using
a hair brush and drooled at the prospect of borrowing it.
Well, just for a few minutes.Sweat was beginning to form on
his brow and he just wanted to take his fingernails and...
"Mulder, we need to get going. We need to get through security.
That will probably take a few minutes due to us having our
weapons." She glanced over at her partner who now was bent
over and rubbing himself against the wall."Mulder!"her voice
shrieked in a high pitched tone. The crowd of people turned
around and glanced at her partner. One lady gasped audibly.
Mulder's face was turning a deep shade of red and the woman
with the brush must of figured out his problem because
she was now taunting him or at least that is what it seemed
like as she waved her brush in the air. "Scully." he whispered,
trying to avoid the ears of the onlooking crowd of people,
" Are you trying to embarrass me? What was that all about?"
"Mulder, you are scratching your gluteus maximus in a public
place and you don't think that is bringing you the wrong kind of
attention.?" The scowl on her face was a dead give away that she
was getting just a little perturbed at him.
"It itches Scully. What else can I do?" he growled as he
continued to squirm from the constant discomfort.
Scully opened her purse and pulled out a tube of Monostat
cream. "Here Mulder. Go and put some of this cream on your
rectum and try to insert just a little bit. It will help numb
up the area a little bit and stop the itching."
"I do not have a yeast infection Scully. I have pinworms.
No I take that back, I have the pinworms from Hell!" His
voice was louder than he wanted it to be and now he had a
larger audience of onlookers.
"Take it Mulder!" she shoved the cream into his hand and
pointed towards the restroom.
"Scully I am not going to put yeast cream up my butt.
End of discussion!" He pushed the cream back down into
her bag and marched off towards the bathroom.
He felt like crying but he knew that somehow he was
going to have to stop the constant itching.He looked
around the toilet but there was nothing available. Then
he had an idea. He opened his shaving kit and looked
inside. Antiseptic stick with numbing ability. "Monostat
cream my foot, antiseptic cream will be the man's method
of itch control." He broke open the stick and applied some
KY jelly, which was always a man's hand tool because one never
knows when he may need some. Moments after insertion the
burning became unbearable and he was on anal fire. He wanted
to sit in a tub of water but that was an impossibility. He
then grabbed a hand full of toilet paper and dipped it under
the cool water as he flushed the commode,not paying much
attention to the blue dye in the water. He stuffed the cool
soaked tissue against the raw,burning skin. Tears fell from
his eyes until finally there was relief. It felt so good
that he left it in place and pulled up his boxers and pants
and walked out of the bathroom.
Scully was motioning for him to come to the line and when
they got through security they went towards the terminal.
He walked behind her but he kept hearing people laugh
hysterically behind him. He knew that he was not squirming
anymore. The itch was improved after he burnt the little
critters with the fire stick. He continued to walk with
his partner with glances and pointing.
"Mulder I need to go to the restroom before we board.
Watch my bags." She exited quickly into the restroom.
He sat down and he could still feel the coolness of the
water against his rectum and the little critters seemed to
have been put down by the antiseptic stick.
When Scully reappeared the plane was boarding and she
reached down to get her bags. That is when she saw it.
A large blue stain on the back of Mulder's pants.A little
darker than her eyes and it was centered right on his
rectal area. She stiffled a laugh and held on to her mouth
and boarded the plane behind her partner.She knew she
had to say something but not now,too many people around
and she did not want to start laughing hysterically,
someone might think she was drunk.
Scully slid in next to the window and took her seat. She
had to stare out the window or she would laugh in his face.
Mulder loaded the baggage into the overhead and sat down.
A couple of women seated across from him were giggling
audibly and he shook his head. "What is going on Scully?
Everybody is having a good laugh today but me." he reached
over to gather his seat belt when he noticed that Scully
was having a hard time keeping it together too. "What?" his
voice was low and he was barely moving his lips.
She shook her head and bit her lower lip attempting to
smother the laugh that wanted to explode from her mouth.She
knew that she had to tell him but she did not want to make
him mad at her when she burst out with a good laugh. But she
could tell he was getting mad and that she might as well come
clean and pay the price. "Mulder, what happened in the
He shook his head in bewilderment. What was she talking
about? Then he realized that he must have a water stain on
his pants from the stuffed tissue. He shook his head in
embarassment. "My pants are wet aren't they Scully?" He
fastened the seat belt and smiled, "They'll dry. Sorry."
Now she was sinking down in her seat laughing silently,
holding her hand over her mouth. He was not going to like
her the rest of the trip for sure."Mulder", an audible
snort came from her nose and she began laughing uncontrollably.
"Scully, What the hell is wrong with you?" He seemed to
be getting embarassed by her actions.
She shook her head, "Mulder, did you use the toilet water
to ease your burning? You have a huge blue stain on the
rectal area of your pants." She was barely getting out
the words between the hiccups she had developed from
laughing so hard.
The look on his face was that of horror. Words could
not express the embarassment he was feeling. He shook
his head and placed his head into his hand.
Hours passed before he said another word. He was really
starting to itch again and the very thought of getting
up and making a trip to the bathroom was out of the
question. He started to squirm again in the seat
and it was becoming unbearable. He looked over at
his sleeping partner for help but he knew none
would come from the sleeping queen of comedy. He
thought for a moment and decided to take up Scully on
her earlier offer. He could also change his pants while
he was in the bathroom. After looking around and noting
that most of the passengers were sleeping and their
lights were dimmed he stood.
He opened the overhead and unzipped his bag and grabbed a
pair of sweats. After he reclosed the overhead he sat back
down and reached for her purse and took out the Monostat
cream. He needed relief even though he knew she would
tease him later.
He hid the cream in between the sweats and started towards
the back of the plane towards the bathroom. Unfortunately
the plane decided to hit some turbulence at that precise
moment and the pants with the hidden yeast cream fell from his
hand when he grabbed onto a seat. Lights from everywhere came
on and people were abruptly awakened. The stewardess came up
behind him before he could retrieve the pants and cream.
"Sir, we are having some turbulence. I need to ask you
to sit down."
He wanted to crawl into one of the overheads upon seeing the
looks on the faces of the people now staring
at his blue stain. He quickly made his way back to his seat
and slid as low as his long body would allow into the seat.
Scully thankfully was still asleep or she would never let
him forget this moment. A small tap came on his shoulder
and he looked around.
"Sir, I believe you dropped these. Does this Monostat
cream belong to you?" the stewardess from Hell asked and
she held the items up for all those behind them to see.
He attempted a smile and took the items and placed
them in his lap.
The stewardess giggled all the way back to her seat right
after she told him to fasten his seat belt and to put away
any yeast products.
The plane finally landed and he walked back to the
bathroom after everybody but Scully and himself had
deboarded. He changed his clothes and applied the
numbing cream to the inflamed, itching area.
No words were exchanged as they got off the plane and
they continued to have no conversation through the
deboarding process,getting their luggage, and renting
the rental car. As they were loading the car Mulder took
the passenger seat and fastened his belt and sat in silence.
She got into the driver seat and fastened her seatbelt
and adjusted the seat and the mirrors. It was still
in the middle of the night and she knew that pinworms
were at their worse at night and she did want to
give her partner some comfort,
"Mulder, would you like for me to find a motel and we
can go to the bureau tomorrow?"
He nodded and she pulled out of the garage. As they
were getting closer to the motel Scully started
feeling a little uncomfortable and then it hit,
the terrible itch. And she
started to squirm. Mulder looked over and knew right
away what to do. He reached into his sweatpant pocket
and pulled out the monostat cream and handed it to Scully,
who gave him a questioning look.
"Don't ask Scully. Just drive."